Time to deify the founding fathers, literally
by dixonbush
Summary: John Adams and Thomas Jefferson create the earth. Its better than it sounds.


The majority of the human race believes that the earth was created in one of three ways. A significant population believes that the earth is one of the many byproducts of the big bang, many believe the creation story in the bible which states the universe and the earth were made in seven days, and many others believe the Hindu story of creation. These people and all of the of over seven billion humans who do not fit into these categories are lying to you, themselves, and each other about the creation of Earth and all who inhabit it.

The Earth was created by a short man and a taller man. The short man was plump, balding, and rather obnoxious; the taller man was a gentleman, a firm believer in personal freedoms, and extremely racist. The two lived for a very long time in the endless void of nothingness content with each other's company. They were great friends despite never agreeing with each other on anything. Ever. These men were John Adams and Thomas Jefferson.

One day John and Thomas were bored, there is only so much to do in a void of nothingness, and decided to make a planet. The duo made it rather quickly, an impressive feat considering a void of nothingness lacks the materials to make a planet. They named the planet Earth, for no real reason, they just liked the way it sounded when it rolled off their tongue. Similar to the way a rapper spits verses or a highschool student sputters out excuses. Earth was a fine planet, but also really boring. It was a big ball of elements with nothing on it. To remedy this, Thomas made an ocean. An ocean that covered the entire planet making it just as boring as it was before, but with more water. John, sick of being limited to staring at a large floating watery orb or Thomas' face, made the continents: America, Afro-Eurasia, and Australia. The void was still a boring place, but now it was slightly less boring.

A period of time passed, how long is unknown, this was before humans and their arbitrary measuring systems. Despite not knowing, we can assume it was not very long seeing as Thomas and John became bored with the void again and decided that creating islands was the way to alleviate that boredom. So they created the Earth's many islands. They were satisfied until they blinked. Realizing that land masses do not hold someone's attention for long, the duo decided it was time for a new creation. There was one problem, however; they had no idea what to create. By some sort of miraculous act of fate the two struggled and created the world's first plant: cannabis. Following the model of Cannabis, John and Tom made wheat, tobacco, and every other plant on the surface of the earth. These plants were vibrant and diverse, however; plants do not move making them some of the most uninteresting things in the universe to watch passively.

Thomas and John knew they had to create something new quickly, the universe they had built together was boring. The only alternative to staring at their garbage planet was to start dating (they had exhausted all alternatives), and they were beginning to get on each other's nerves. So they cobbled together the alpaca, the cow, and every other animal populating the Earth. The creatures could move, making it more interesting than it had been before. However, humans do not spend their entire existence watching nature documentaries on PBS and, despite the fact that watching animals kill each other is interesting, the novelty is a short lived one. So John and Thomas flew through the earth's atmosphere and landed at what would one day be Jamestown to create the human race; a collection of people molded in their image. The humans that were created were the ancestors of the people living on the British Isles today. These humans were far more interesting than any of the creatures or objects on the planet before this point; they built settlements, had language, and created a monarchy. The monarchy would be their undoing. Thomas was a huge advocate for individual freedoms and saw a monarchy as the oppression of said freedoms. When he saw the government that the humans had made in America, he was disgusted and banished them to the rainy British Isles saying that only the pure of heart could return to the American continent. In response to Tom removing all existing humans from Jamestown, John created more humans, this time with darker skin. This made Tom mad so he banished them. Then John created more people with more diverse skin tones. They made Tom angry so he banished them. So, John created more humans, this time with skin darker than any of the previous human groups. These made Thomas the most upset. Thomas became so upset he began to create a creature only rivaled in evil by himself.

The creature was molded out of macaroni and cheese and the human invention of money. The demon called himself Alexander Hamilton and spoke entirely in contemporary slang and raps. Alexander Hamilton hated his creator, Thomas, with a burning passion but had been created to hate Adams more. Tom sent him out to destroy John but was never successful as Hamilton was a creature made of macaroni and macaroni is easy to defeat. Granted, Hamilton only had a few opportunities. Shortly after his creation, a being more powerful than John and Tom combined, banished the duo and macaroni man to Earth to live as humans. It was this higher being who made the sun, moon, stars, and planets all things John and Thomas had forgotten. This supreme god was Betty White, who occasionally enjoys living amongst humans in the body of an old woman.


End file.
